The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
