just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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