I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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