i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
