Your mouth is God's brothel.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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