Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
