Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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