the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
