so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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