some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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