Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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