i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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