$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
