You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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