I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
