To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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