Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
