We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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