we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
