the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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