I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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