I accidentally burped into my bong.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
