I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
