So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
