Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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