remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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