my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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