i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
