He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
