my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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