I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
