Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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