im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
