At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
