How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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