It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Hippo gnu deer
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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