I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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