Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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