drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
