The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
