Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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