I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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