$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
