I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
