Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
