I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
