Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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