So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My cat gives me a boner
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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