I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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