You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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