So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
bring money and cleavage
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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