Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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