I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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