i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
