I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
