im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
