I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
